Just Like Chuck

That wasn’t too bad, was it? That four year wait while I crammed knowledge into my brain? I did many strange and wonderful things since last I tumblred. (tumbled?) I went for a walk, I did some laundry, I hand stitched a corset, I learned to play cello, I earned my B.A. A productive four years and no mistake. 
Anyhow, I survived the tempest of higher education for one reason and one reason only: to bring you, dear reader, this exhaustive list of what blankets are good for. 

1. Warming. The most obvious and important task of the blanket is to provide you with that wholesome, snuggly heat that warms you to the core. The magic works faster if you have a cat/hot water bottle/friend/freshly baked pie under there with you. 

2. Hiding. I have done this several times, it works like a charm. As long as your head is covered, no one will know you’re in there. Also good for hiding friends, pets, pie, or dirty laundry. 

3. Carrying. Yes indeed, this amazing contraption can be used to carry books, pies, pets, friends or dirty laundry to a fro with the added bonus that you will look like a hobo. 

4. Blanket forts. This amazing feature combines items 1 and 2, as you will be filled with that wholesome feeling of warmth and joy, and you will also be hidden. More points if you have freshly baked pie and a flashlight. 

5. Clothing. When you are naked and the bathroom is far away, the blanket is your best friend. Also good when the morning comes too early and the clothings have too many complicated holes. The blanket will not judge you for not getting dressed until you have had your third pot of coffee, the blanket will embrace you as if to say “I love it when it’s just you and me”. 

6. Padding. Blanket does not mind if you sleep on top if it, blanket will do it’s best to protect you from the cold, hard ground.

7. Decoration. If, for some strange reason, you do not want to snuggle with your new-found blanket friend, blanket will wait for you on your bed, futon, couch or chair, just looking pretty and waiting to embrace you again. Blanket really just wants to please you and be a part of your life, blanket doesn’t mind waiting. Blanket is patient. You can even tack blanket to the wall if you like, blanket will wait there and make sure the wall doesn’t hurt you or make you cold. (Although blanket would like to point out that the wall does get rather lonely and blanket would really rather keep your shoulders warm.) 

I’m sure that you are as astonished as I at how many useful uses there are for blankets. And the list goes on! (Especially if you realize that rugs, curtains, and tablecloths are all types of blankets) Take some time to get to know your blankets today, it could be the start of a wonderful relationship. 

-Chuck.  

flapjacksblog2 asked: Do you consider yourself a pirate adventurer?

I do sometimes, yes. (That is if by pirate you mean a less-than-regularly-washed traveler who skimps on vegetables and enjoys dressing up from time to time. Although I am scared of the water.)

Wherever you are, wherever you are going to go, I encourage you to look today.

Not for something specific, not for something lost, just look,

and I guarantee you that you will see something before the end of the day.

Something funny chalked on the sidewalk, a dog running back inside, a lost button.

Some things are for all to see like graffiti or cookies for sale.

Some things are private like a couple chancing a kiss or a glimpse of someone’s livingroom.

The most wonderful things are the ones only you can see, like the way

the wind ruffles the head of a flower or the way a person stuffs their change back into their pocket.

You might find things while your looking, a piece of broken glass, a bracelet or a photograph.

You can keep these things as memories of the day you spent looking, prizes you received from the universe for paying attention.

Wasn’t it lovely?

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No matter what service you choose, remember that we are here to please you. If there is someone specific that you want us to focus on, a certain family or even a certain town, we are flexible and ready to take our art to the next level. If you are satisfied with our work please let us know, we are always happy to hear from you. Please note: New Age Berserking is an equal opportunity employer. We accept all ages, races, sexual orientations, education levels, body types, religions, genders, abilites and blood types. We will not tolerate any kind of inappropriate behavior in the workplace. We recognize and prosecute verbal and physical assult, sexual harassment and bullying. Please respect your co-workers.

Contact Chuck for more info.

Today, on our national Get The Gays Out Of Our Closets day, I am offering you some information to help you on your mission.

Did you know that gays across America have been packed into closets with no light, no ventilation and no running water? Some gays have to share their closets with up to five other gays!

Due to their cramped living conditions, closet gays suffer from conditions like scurvy, lice, vitamin D deficiency, muscle atrophy, fleas, claustrophobia and intense paleness.

Homeowners with gays in their closets rarely have trouble with the infestations unless they need the closets for storage space. Some of the more roomy closets can house both storage items and gays, but some homeowners find this an awkward arrangement, especially if the gays start to criticize their belongings.

The best method for the initial extermination is to make loud noises (pots and pans are traditional) and shine flashlights into the closet. The noise and bright lights (remember that these people have never seen daylight or heard many loud sounds so these will be particularly disturbing) will startle and confuse them enough that most will seek escape. Once they have left the closet you can make gentle shoo-ing motions to direct them towards the door. One or two may be left in the closet, but don’t despair; these can be lured out with pie and gentle cajoling. At no point should you use force as this may harm them and make them protest.

Be warned that a few may try to make their way back into your closets. When you are sure that your closets are gay-free, shut them tightly and lock them. If you recognize any gay visitors as ones that were previously in your closet, kindly explain to them that you need your closet for storage space now and that they should not be afraid to go out and explore the world. (If, however, they need a couch to crash on for a day or two while they adjust that’s fine, they make very clean house guests.)

For more advice or instructions on ousting and re-integrating of well established gay closet communities please contact me. Together we can better the living conditions of gays everywhere.

Love and support to all

It is time for us to be out in the sun!

Chuck

I’m not sure if you agree with me, dear reader, but I think its time for another story. (Well, why wouldn’t you agree with me? You are, after all, MY dear reader and are therefor partial to anything I might have to say.)

In the land of academia one has to dispense with those smaller comforts like sleep, bathing (and laundry) and interacting with real humans. (Professors and dining services don’t count.) Us students are a breed living on extremes. We survive on a carefully balanced diet of animal fat and simple carbohydrates. (Largely ice cream and the cone it comes in. Ramen and easymac are considered cornucopias of nutrition.)

Sleep comes as a side effect of dangerously low caffeine levels. Hair loss, scabies, amenorrhea, nervosa totalia (I made that one up) amnesia, parasites and bulemia are all symptoms of a productive lifestyle. Most of our exercise comes in quick bursts, either heaving large books across the room or sprinting towards the bus.

Laundry, when done, is done in such large loads that the orbit of the earth shifts slightly. Couches are for sleeping, beds are for studying. Squirrels can be consumed if necessary. Without facebook we might forget that an outside world exists, but if we were to encounter it we would be surprised when we can’t ‘like’ things we see.

We learn about the inner workings of systems we will never see, touch, smell, taste, hear, dance with, talk to, date, we master the theories of people our professor’s professor had lost interest in. We don’t know how to microwave popcorn. Sports are a hobby in which people are killed and made into bed spreads. Rugby was a term invented to protect the perpetrator of terrible unthinkable war crimes in ancient times.

But thats enough about me. I wish to talk about the deeply inspiring nature of our mission.

Here at The Prestigious Women’s College, we have been studying. We have been pondering words, theories and social structures with the critical prowess of finely tuned thinking machines.

“I love my flamingo silly band!!!” “Use the word obtuse, it’s totally sexy…” “I’m glad you guys are here your really warm…”

We have been challenging the rules laid down by those who came before us with the passionate zeal of a thousand lemurs in mating season.

“Parmenides is a obviously a senile old git who has no truck with reality…” “I don’t have a hammer so I used this high heel…” “Why is there no sugar free yoghurt!??!”

We lay aside our differences and forge forward for the betterment of our nation.

“gender studies majors are all so sexist…” “this article is so pretentious…” “I’ve had it with you and your pretentiousny pretentiousness…”

But most of all we share a bond of struggle,

“sooo… quick before the professor comes in… what was the reading about?”

A bond of passion,

“I can’t read any more… I mean what is it all about? I have lost my faith in academia, its all such a social construct…” “I feel like every statement is ultimately reductionist…”

A bond of sisterhood.

“I NEED A TAMPON!!!!”

And that concludes my broadcast day, except to say goodnight Prestigious Women’s College, study hard, sleep well, and for the love of GOD please flush the toilet after you use it.

Chuck

The streets of Boston and Cambridge were planned ingeniously to confuse any possible invading forces (especially the British but also any giraffes or welshmen) and keep them from finding the T stations. The T stations themselves are an enigma, making it so that any foreigners that do find their way on to the transportation line quickly become confused and go the wrong way. Due to a small oversight by the Massachusetts Department of Getting the Fuck Around and Sign Placement (MA.D.G.F.A.S.P.) , everyone else is confused too. If one were to look at the street layout from above, one would see how the streets imitate, arrest and generally interrupt each other with the ease and frequency of so many errant schoolchildren running amok. All is not lost though, if a traveler finds themselves lost, they need only ask the nearest local which direction to head. The locals (easily recognized by their confused, angry expression) speak an archaic and hard to understand form of English, but will understand shouting, hand waiving and mime. I myself had to ask directions from no less than seven humans, two squirrels and one very helpful map kiosk. (Just a note: map kiosks do not respond to English or pantomime.) The natives here drive with the heartwarming vivacity of a herd of wildebeests on crack. They surge in, never retreating, unconcerned by the hordes of oncoming pedestrians blocking their path. They appear to have frequent turf wars with other cars and the odd pedestrian, but these confrontations are usually limited to shouting and gesturing. Do not challenge a car unless your car is bigger and more intimidating. If anyone waves their middle finger at you, do not despair; this gesture has a different meaning than in other regions. Here it is equivalent to a jovial “Hi, hello there, have a good time in my village!”

Chuck